Rekha Achyutuni is a writer and educator whose journey started with technology and business degrees, like all those who came of age in the 1990s. Studying and working in the USA gave her a broader perspective on the importance of identity and belonging as the unacknowledged motivators of all our actions. Back in India, Rekha immersed herself in the arts, studied Sanskrit and Vedic sciences, and awoke to appreciate the wonder of Bharatiya thought and culture that was carefully hidden from everyone growing up in India.
After seeing the devastating effects of a fractured identity among urban Hindu parents and children, she started Hindu Parenting in 2020 to help them discover the riches of the ancient Hindu civilization applied to a modern context. The Hindu Parenting Blogs and Podcasts are designed to aid in identity formation by understanding our place in the world, which helps deal with modern phenomena like runaway activism. She teaches communication skills and emotional awareness through a popular online workshop where teenagers experience the beautiful world of Indian aesthetics or Alankara Shastra. Rekha lives in Bangalore.
How did you get into research on Hindu parenting?
Everyone has a question at some point in life: "Who am I?" Teenagers grapple with it, and creative people like writers and artists spend considerable time thinking about it. Identity is a fascinating subject that rests at the core of every creative expression. The quest for identity is also a favorite theme in world literature. Exploring identity led me on the journey towards Hindu Parenting.
I grew up in a family which moved every 2-3 years due to transfers. Changing schools, learning new languages, and making new friends seem like fun in retrospect, but they can be pretty tricky for a child. As a result, I started wondering about my identity quite early. When I started writing, I understood that religion, language, and culture are essential to one's identity.
I realized that urban Indians have a fractured identity – we use the vocabulary of our mother tongue to talk about our daily lives. But we read and write in a language alien to us - English.
Isn't it strange that we are comfortable with small talk in our native language, but for profound thoughts, most of us today reach for English? It leaves us confused – which civilization do we resonate with? What feels comfortable to us? When does identity formation happen in childhood? What role does parenting play in it?
Religion forms a big part of people's identities worldwide. Even in countries like the USA, religious sensibility is everywhere, in the form of big churches and billboards with the words "Have you heard the Good News yet?"
After growing up in India, this open display of religion seemed shocking. We were taught that it is not good to talk about our religion, Hinduism, but to be very supportive of other religions. We grew up shamed into denying our faith in public spaces, including most educational institutions.
Universities in the USA often have a chapel and a chaplain to guide students into Christianity. There are schools of divinity to train pastors. Preachers on campus hand out Bibles. It is all done matter-of-factly, without any sense of guilt.
Whereas among educated Indians, the Hindu identity is stillborn, never fully maturing.
All three factors – identity, Hinduism, and parenting - came together during the anti-CAA incidents of 2020, when schoolchildren in many urban schools were made to protest, holding banners saying, "Stop Hindu Fascism." The CAA was about helping poor and persecuted refugees with nowhere to go, but our weak sense of identity prevented many Hindus from feeling empathy with them.
While talking to parents, I understood that the confusion is not limited to young people; it is a problem with well-meaning Hindu parents who need more clarity, perspective, and ability to think about identity. At that time, many parents felt that standing with posters against CAA made their children "critical thinkers."
It is a strange phenomenon where we are confusing "critical thinking" with being critical of Hindus only, leading to constant criticisms of Hinduism itself.
For Hindu children, identity formation has been weakening with every generation. There are many reasons for this, but the net result is confusion and self-denigration.
Everyone faces modern problems like the rootlessness and atomization of individuals. Still, it is worse for Hindus because we don't have weekly meetings or community spaces where we hang out as Hindus. Our children do not benefit from a strong individual or group identity.
If we don't address the human need for identity and belonging, our children will be attracted to movements that fulfill this need—such as LGBTQ, BLM, Gaza, and other kinds of activism—as a way to identify themselves as something and belong somewhere.
This systemic problem of weakening identity spans many generations, resulting in our inability to have a strong and original voice. We need a clear idea of our past and who we are today. The profound confusion about identity is making Hindu children blank slates, ready to be co-opted by anybody with an insistent, urgent call to action.
In short, unfamiliarity with our own story as a people has led to Hindu children being poached for activism by everyone else.
This ignorance is especially concerning because we have many solutions to modern ills like depression and anxiety from within our system itself (think yoga, pranayama, calming rituals), but children don't know about them. Hindu parents do not have access to resources to help them understand our heritage and our place in the world.
We are a non-proselytizing people, which has now curiously translated into an unwillingness to initiate our children into the ways of our ancestors. We don't speak to our children but let others who are hostile to us influence them without gatekeeping!
My approach to Hindu parenting involves exploring identity—knowing who we are as a people, learning how we are different from others, and finding confidence in our voices. A solid Hindu identity is a precious legacy we can leave for our children.
What are the main challenges that parents face today in instilling values in children?
Parents think the world today is wicked, so how is it possible for us to instill good values? The world will always try to influence children in harmful ways. However, we still have an unimaginable influence on shaping them. There are many unknowns, and controlling every circumstance is impossible. Still, we often don’t realize the extent of our influence as parents. The first step is a deep and genuine inquiry into ourselves.
Children see double standards in adults. We do one thing and tell them to follow another. We take them to Bala Vikas, where they are told to be honest and kind. And in real life, parents cannot model these virtues themselves. We emphasize competitiveness (Why didn’t you get the first rank? Look at the neighbor’s child!). We want to brag about our children and push them into professions rather than support their inclination and aptitude (svadharma).
Children are very quick at spotting hypocrisy. Are we living the values that we tell children to follow?
The second point is to consider whether the values we discuss suit the current yuga. We are emphasizing satya, dharma, and ahimsa as the Sanatana values to emulate. The problem is not in Satya dharma ahimsa but in how we interpret them to mean complete passivity today. When we say Satya, are we modeling an inquiry into everything we see and hear (including secular media), or are we unconsciously twisting it only to question Hindu scriptures?
The third problem is that we have stripped the values of all rasa, of all enjoyment. We have secularised values so much that they seem dull and unappealing to kids. This alien approach stems from the injunction to follow a single book, the commandments. In our tradition, we model the virtues for everyone through stories, music, dance, color, and festivals. Hinduism is all about lived experience. We celebrate the divine essence permeating everything around us. Our ancients knew the power of stories and rituals, which prepared the mind to grasp concepts.
The beauty and aesthetics of our way of worship, which involve the five senses, create a positive emotional response, which makes it easier to instill good values.
Abstract values like truth, honesty, and compassion sound beautiful, but children need concrete examples before they can imbibe good values. Abstraction does not resonate with children, and the secularisation of values isn’t working effectively.
Let’s say we want to instill the values of discipline, hard work, and excellence. Putting up a poster that says, “Excel at what you do!” is less likely to inspire children than letting them soak in the story of Arjuna, who excelled through single-minded focus! When we lose connection with our past, we lose the ability to inspire children to connect with long-lasting values.
The task of instilling values today needs a creative approach. First, prepare the soil and sow the seeds (tell stories about heroes/heroines), water the plants periodically (repetition through beauty – stories, imagination, aarti, flowers, incense, music, dance), then cut the weeds (answer questions and doubts). We will then see values blossoming in our children like carefully tended trees that bear fruit.
What are the best ways in which to create safe spaces for Dharmic upbringing?
We can approach the problem of Dharmic spaces in 2 ways: Protecting existing spaces and creating new ones.
We should make the existing dharmic spaces more accessible to children and young people. Make the physical space inviting, clean, fragrant, auspicious, and appealing to the five senses. We should give importance to the maintenance of our living temples. Clean spaces will attract children and young people. The Harikatha and pravachanam traditions are not just for older adults. We can invigorate these practices by having a particular day of the week for children's activities, like staging a play based on itihasaas and telling kid-friendly stories. If we want the next generation to stay connected, we must make the effort. Parents can help to maintain a neighborhood temple and recreate it as the vibrant space it once was.
Instead of asking, "Why can't temples be community spaces?" we must realize we can make it happen. Aren't we all stakeholders in Hindu Samaj? It comes back to the question of weak identity. The more "educated" we get, the more we lose that sense of identification with temples, samaj, and Hinduism, as we become customers who expect temples to cater to us. We have all the ingredients in our civilization that will naturally appeal to kids – a vibrant culture, gorgeous colors, enchanting stories, and fun-filled festivals. We only require the will to take it to the next generation.
To effectively use spaces, we need to recognize that timing is critical. Teenagers are fascinated by more profound questions about the meaning of life and our place in the world as human beings. Which culture is better equipped than the Hindu tradition to quench one's spiritual and intellectual thirst? Who else encourages questions? We should be proactive and use dharmic spaces to promote study and support groups for young people.
Parents often push growing children away from these spaces with questions like, "Why do you need to be interested in philosophy at this age?" Parents sometimes discourage young adults from deep exploration out of fear and inadequacy. Recognizing that we don't have all the answers and developing the humility to learn alongside our children are the keys to reviving knowledge traditions.
The things we take for granted are much sought-after by newer civilizations who have lost the connection to their ancestral ways. We read articles in Western discourse on family titled, "Develop a ritual around your child's bedtime!" and "Create your own Family Tradition for the Holiday Season!".
Well, here's a culture with rich traditions and season-based rituals already in place. Hindu parents must reconnect with the source rather than re-invent the wheel with contrived spectacles like Pride Parades or borrowed celebrations like Halloween!
Dharmic upbringing can be made easier by becoming part of a larger community. We are rapidly losing dharmic spaces and, by extension, access to dharmic communities. Urban parents raising children in different parts of the world (including India) must surround themselves with at least two to three families (ideally many, many more) equally committed to a dharmic upbringing. Having like-minded family friends will ensure that our children stay rooted in dharma.
In addition to physical spaces, we can have online safe spaces (such as the community we are creating through Hindu Parenting). These communities bring together parents with common problems in search of solutions. They are like a support group for parents to exchange resources and talk about the challenges of raising dharmic children.
How do we make children responsible for taking care of our culture and tradition and having a strong voice?
Whenever we would like to “make children do something or be somebody,” it always has to start with an honest inquiry into ourselves. Are we modelling responsibility? If we want children to take care of culture and tradition, we need first to ask ourselves:
Am I taking care of my culture and tradition?
Any daunting and seemingly impossible task is easily achievable if we break it down into smaller steps. Taking care of culture is a vast concept, so we need to break it down further. Can I take one, only one facet of this rich culture, and take care of it?
Whether it means protecting Veda patashalas or artisans, faithfully following a puja handed down in our family traditions, or keeping alive a traditional recipe, we can all do one thing that matters to us.
“Take one idea, and make it your life.”
It will turn us into powerful role models for young people. When we follow our inclinations and pick a cause dear to our hearts, we no longer have the desire to impose anything on others.
When our lives are an example, we don’t have to make our children do anything. They will do it themselves.
We also must recognize that it is only possible to do some things rather than play the game of comparison. Taking my example, a passion for the arts and a desire for meaning-making started me on this journey to simplify concepts and bring them to the next generation. It is my calling to serve dharma the most effectively I can.
Give children small, age-appropriate goals that excite them. Keep it simple for small children, like getting them involved with gaushalas. The best way is to work with the child’s natural tendencies. First, identify what the child likes to do. The rest will fall into place effortlessly. For example, a physically active child may resist sitting down to learn shlokas but may respond much better to Bharatanatyam or Kalaripayattu.
We have many paths that make it easy for a child to fall in love with our culture and tradition. We don’t have to copy others and limit ourselves to memorizing one book. Deep immersion in cultural activity develops the dharmic worldview and a desire to protect the culture.
Parents can use stories, the arts, clothes, or food as an entry point. Our diversity allows for this. Underlying the diversity is oneness, a divinity that suffuses every activity when we engage deeply.
A strong, confident voice comes from deep knowledge, emotional fullness, and total immersion in an enjoyable dharmic activity. We also need to inculcate discernment (Viveka) in children so they know when to talk and what to say. If we succeed in positively touching children’s emotions and giving them access to the proper knowledge, they will naturally grow to have strong, sensible, and happy voices, which they will eventually use to protect the culture.
Could you describe some challenges you have faced, or parents have faced?
When we speak of modern parenting challenges, the conversation invariably turns to technology—the ubiquitous smartphone and the havoc of social media. Technology, of course, is only a tool. We can use it to learn about our heritage in ways that were not possible before! What matters is how we use technology.
Parents are always worried about the possibility of a faceless stranger with malicious intentions having direct access to children. Contact with a stranger is rare, and attentive parents can easily detect it.
The more significant danger comes indirectly through subtle messaging from TV shows, Netflix, advertising, the daily newspaper, textbooks, and even a well-meaning teacher in school. These interactions shape a child's mind and attitude.
The challenge for parents is to regulate the consumption of media and opinions. Parents must consciously try to interpret the world for young children. With older children, parents must provide a lens to analyze the world from the dharmic point of view, whether purushartha-based or based on some other framework.
We must always know the hidden messages behind everything children read, hear or watch. Eternal vigilance is the price we pay to uphold dharma.
Besides technology and media, the biggest challenge today is enabling children to function effectively in the modern world without completely losing their Hindu identity.
The famous term from the Kathopanishad, "kshurasya dhara," meaning "razor's edge," can perhaps describe the subtle task of modern Hindu parenting. Mindfully balancing letting go with reining in is indeed like walking on a razor's edge!
For effective Hindu parenting, we need two things:
The first is knowledge of our heritage. So far, we have maintained a superficial sense of identity (celebration of festivals, movies, some pujas, and temple visits). We have neither tried to seek a more profound understanding nor been able to answer kids' questions. We must work on a deeper engagement with our culture because children can defend only what they know and love.
The second factor is understanding the world beyond the hard sciences and technology. Most Hindu parents have been focused on narrow scientific knowledge while neglecting to engage with subjects like sociology, psychology, philosophy, law, literature, journalism, and mass communications. These subjects shape perceptions and influence society. In today's hyper-connected world, perceptions shape reality, no matter where you live. A group that does not bother to play the perceptions game cannot hope to have its voice heard, even by its children.
We must train our children in communication, debating, and soft skills like persuasion and emotional regulation. We must also study popular social movements worldwide and the current political landscape. Neglecting everything other than STEM and business will hamper children's ability to defend themselves and their identity eloquently and confidently. A lack of coherent and logical speaking skills will manifest as confusion, anxiety, and self-denigration, especially regarding Hindu identity and culture.
Another big challenge for us is to build a bridge from the past to the present. Our ancient wisdom has solutions to many problems the modern world is grappling with - sustainability, diversity, inclusion, mental health concerns, stress, loneliness, meaninglessness – the list goes on and on.
The West is reaching the same solutions through appropriation and scientific research and selling the solutions back to us with copyrights in place.
We need to shift perceptions of Hinduism from regressive to aspirational. Our lifetime goal is to journey from the ancient to the modern without losing ourselves.
For far too long, we have let others define us. The time has come to reclaim our identity, take charge of how we perceive ourselves, study our heritage diligently, and move forward confidently.
Hindu parents need clarity to face these challenges successfully.
Any literature you recommend?
Not much thought has been given to raising Hindu children in the modern age. We are charting new territory for the most part, but there are a couple of good books I would like to mention:
"It's Not For Nothing That We Stand For Something: Basic Intellectual Self-Defense for Hindu Parents" by Maragatham
"Light in the Forest: A Dharmic Landsacpe for Hindu Kids and their Parents" by Maragatham
I also came across a book by Shri K. Aravinda Rao titled "How to Teach Hinduism to Your Child." I have yet to read and review it, but it looks promising.
In addition to these books, I would like to mention Prof. Vamsee Juluri's articles and videos, which are especially helpful to Hindu parents struggling to understand the world today.
Brahmavarchas offers Vedic parenting modules for parents based on the Shastras and the Pancha Kosha model of child development. I recommend taking their course to understand the approach to Vedic parenting based on the shastras and adapted to the current context with elements of child psychology.
There are modern schools with Gurukula-based learning methods. Shri Muneet Dhiman and his wife Preethi run the school Vidyakshetra in Bengaluru. They have also given many beautiful talks for educators and parents.
Anaadi Foundation's IKS Books for Kids deserve a place on every Hindu parent's bookshelf. They are well-written, colorful, and comprehensive introductions to Bharatiya sciences, including astronomy and granita (mathematics).
Though they don't specifically address parenting concerns, significant works like Shri Rajiv Malhotra's "Being Different" help develop the clarity needed.
Since very little literature is available explicitly on the topic, I recommend that Hindu parents start on a personal journey of understanding this great civilization. As we take tiny steps, the path will unfold before us. We need to find out as much as possible from elders who are still alive. Learning from authentic sources has also become easier with online options. It's essential to have the humility to tell our children that we don't have answers to all their questions, but we can find out together.
A positive attitude counts more than anything else when dealing with children. If we are dismissive and judgmental toward our heritage, that attitude will rub off on our children. We must also encourage questions and model pride in the Hindu identity.
It is hard work, but it is also invigorating and rewarding.
We must watch our children keenly and open the door to our heritage by understanding their natural inclinations. Our culture is so rich and multifaceted that every child can find one fascinating area of study that interests them. It could be mathematics, astronomy, music, dance, martial arts, crafts, architecture, or textiles. As parents, we must determine what works for our children and introduce the IKS or Bharatiya elements.
I have been working on blogs, podcasts, workshops, and reviews - resources that help parents understand what to do in a temple, what rituals are, how to interest children in our heritage, and how to deal with modern challenges like runaway activism. As a team, Shalini (Puthiyedam) and I have done more than 45 podcast interviews with distinguished guests, explaining various areas of interest to Hindu parents. We offer online workshops for kids as a bridge between ancient knowledge and its relevance to the world today. We also conduct events to celebrate our symbols and culture. All the initiatives are on our website, hinduparenting.org
Parenting is more an art than a science, but the resources available today will hopefully make it easier for modern Hindu parents.
